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(no subject)

Nov. 22nd, 2008 | 11:34 am
mood: hungover

Stayed away from the scale because of the shame.
Buying too much bud; shoving food into my mouth because it all just tasted so. damn. good.
Finally crept into the bathroom, edged my friend out from under the cabinet. Body shaky; anticipating something over 110. Numbers blink; I see a 4 and almost crumble. 114? How can this be?
Looking again I'm struck dumb for a few moments. Muttering quick words of disbelief as i step off and on again; it says the same thing. I stand there with a dazed expression on my face as i take in the fact it actually says 104 instead of 114.

I feel like I'm waisting away. No matter what i do the pounds just seem to slip off. I think i've been fucking with my weight for so long it's just programmed into my head to exercise off everything i eat. somehow whenever i have a bad eating day i always find myself out and wondering around town later at night. I tell myself its because i'm looking for someone to pass the time with, but i'm starting to wonder if this illness has creeped its way into my subconscious and will wear me down without me even knowing.
It's also starting to bother me... just. i don't know how to put it.
the fact that i've been literally disgusted with my body over the past few weeks. I was convinced there was no way i'd be under 110. and here i am, sitting at my lowest weight still loathing the extra fat i can pull away from me.
its as if i can feel the bridge begin to crumble a few steps in, yet i continue to hold my head high and smile as i walk on.

Oh, the things we do to ourselves.

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(no subject)

Feb. 11th, 2008 | 07:53 pm
mood: disconnected
music: Eternal Tears of Sorrow - Fall of Men

I've gotten so thin over the past months.

Sometimes I wonder how, when I inhale, the bones don't tear right thru the skin.

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(no subject)

Aug. 2nd, 2007 | 02:18 pm

"Is it bad that I just want to tear your pants off and fuck you?"

Drunk pickup lines are my favorite.

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(no subject)

Jul. 26th, 2007 | 12:07 am

I think I'd do anything for you.

you take all the sadness from me with just one smile.

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(no subject)

Jul. 13th, 2007 | 02:35 am
mood: optimisticoptimistic
music: Freebird - Lynyrd Skynyrd

He knew all the words to the 'free falling' song.

Oh. . .god.
If there was ever a time I was ever more attracted to him (or anyone else, for that matter) I can't think of it.

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(no subject)

Jun. 4th, 2007 | 07:49 pm
mood: hopefulhopeful
music: Into the West - Annie Lennox

Walking to their house, they pass a furnature store.
Her; Man, when I have my own apartment, I'm going to have cool furnature like that.
Him; Are you going to live in green bay?
Her; Nah, I think I'll move over here, in Depere. I like it here.
Him; I'll visit all the time, then.
Her; Sounds good. *giggles* I like how you just invite yourself over.
Him; Oh, uh. I meant-
Her; No, no, you'll always be welcome.
Him; Okay. I'll bring food, too.
Her; *Smiles* Okay, I'll have the drugs and you have the food. Deal?
Him; Deal.
They shake on it and keep walking.

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(no subject)

Jun. 2nd, 2007 | 04:14 am
mood: empty
music: Tool - Aenima

I haven't the heart to look in your eyes.
And when I saw you the other day I realised I miss the good in you.
But that part of you is so small I wonder if it even exists anymore.

I miss the good in you because it sparked the good in me.
But that's so long since gone I can't even begin to look back.

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(no subject)

May. 6th, 2007 | 10:02 pm
music: Fuel - Falls on Me

The last few days I've actually smiled. And waiting for a bus transfer I sat in the grass and made a daisy-chain.
Looking for jobs, taking care of the house, making sure the pets are fed, running to the store for milk, all sounds so trivial, but all of it makes me so happy.
I put new batteries in my camera and up came the videos of him. I didn't have the heart to delete them but I didn't start crying, either.
I think I can honestly say I'm over him.

I haven't been sober since we broke up, I've made sure I've been in a constant state of intoxication since I wake to the moment I fall asleep in a haze.
But tomorrow I'm getting my tattoo, and I need to be sober otherwise the blood thins and I bleed everywhere. I think I'm going to start straightening myself out, and this is the perfect first-step.

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(no subject)

Apr. 10th, 2007 | 01:11 am
mood: numbnumb

Sitting in the store, head down, I thought to myself 'I'm not moving unless he comes to get me. If he left on the bus I'm sitting here for the rest of the night. If he ever leaves me I don't think I'll ever move again.'

. . .

I don't think I'm ever going to move again.

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(no subject)

Mar. 22nd, 2007 | 02:23 am
music: Alice DeeJay

Yeah. Whatever.

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